Birth: Fears and Dreams

     I have to admit something, I am either entirely unlike most other midwifery students or everyone else is lying to me about their fears. I am afraid (and inspired) at every birth. Every time I am afraid the baby could die, the mother could die, everything could go wrong. I am afraid I could end up in jail. I am afraid that women I want to serve could not afford my services. I am afraid that I will not make enough money to stay a midwife. I am afraid that one day, one of the babies I received will hate me for their assigned gender at birth. What it, what if, what if. 

      I am sad when I welcome a girl into the world knowing that I am welcoming into the world someone who will be treated as a second class citizen. I am afraid she could be raped, beaten or that she could kill herself under the weight of patriarchy. I am afraid that the new mother will go home to a husband who abuses her or home alone as a single mother to face the judgements of an unrelenting world. I am afraid she will need to return to a job she despises to pay the bills. Every time a baby is born I am scared. I am scared that the world will be a scary place and this new, gentle soul is now part of the mess with the rest of us. 

     But, and it's the real heart of the matter, with every birth I grow a little bit softer. A little more open to the mystery. For no thing that I am never afraid is of the process. Every birth convinces me that women have this power inside them, even when we doubt ourselves or each other. Every birth I grow a little more faithful that we could start the world anew. In birth, we face life and death to come out the other side. Nothing will ever be the same again for anyone in the room. I think this is my real fear; that I will never be the same again. I am afraid that birth will touch my so deeply that it will change me all the way to the core. Afraid that the person I thought I knew will not face me in the mirror tomorrow. Because every single birth has changed me. Sometimes irrevocably.  

    

    I can feel my heart softening and opening. The walls which I have so carefully constructed throughout my life, to shield me from my pains, my trauma and past start to come down. Because being a midwife means you have to open yourself to two new souls; one who has never seen light and the other whose life has changed forever. 

   I feel so profoundly touched to have found a calling after having been lost for so long. I hope that I never lose these fears. I am so in love with all of the women whom I have touched along the way. I hope every single birth changes me and I try to open myself completely. I hope that these fears never paralyze me but connect me. That these fears of changing completely never stop me from working, from pushing through them. Because, in all honesty, fear is not the enemy of living. Allowing your fears to stop you is.